How do you take care of yourself while caring for someone with mesothelioma?

I totally get this. I'm in a similar situation with my dad. I took a leave from my accounting job back in August when he was diagnosed and honestly the financial stress on top of everything else has been overwhelming. But here's what I've learned: you gotta keep yourself going too or everything falls apart, and the guilt you're feeling? That's something I wrestled with too.

I made myself a list of non-negotiables. Like I get at least one full day off per week where I'm not "on call" as the caregiver, and I scheduled regular therapy appointments because I need that outlet. I also sat down and looked at our finances head-on, which actually helped me feel less anxious about the leave from work situation once I had concrete numbers in front of me instead of just worrying in the dark.

What really helped was having a conversation with my dad about needing help sometimes. He didn't want me falling apart either. We looked into what support services might be covered and what the timeline looks like for his treatment, having those specifics actually made me feel more in control instead of just floating in uncertainty.

You're not being selfish. You're being realistic about what you can sustain. If you haven't already, maybe start with a conversation with your parents about bringing in some outside support, even just a few hours a week. It's an investment in being able to show up for him better.

honestly michelle i'm right there with you. my mom was diagnosed in august and i moved back to phoenix to help her out, and i'm still trying to work my teaching job on top of everything and some days i just... i don't know how i'm doing it. the guilt is the worst part for me. Like i'll take an afternoon to just sit alone and i feel so bad about it but then i realize i'm snapping at my students and my mom and that's not helping anyone.

what's been helping a little is accepting that i can't do this alone. i finally got her into a support program and found a nurse who comes twice a week and it doesn't feel like i'm abandoning her, it actually feels like i'm being smarter about helping her. and my school has been flexible about days i need to leave early which honestly saved me.

you're not selfish for needing a break. you're actually going to be a better caregiver if you take care of yourself too. i know it sounds like everyone says that but it's true. i had to learn it the hard way.

hey michelle, i hear you and im glad youre being honest about this. when joe got his diagnosis last september i had to learn real quick that taking care of yourself isnt selfish, its necessary. like i used to tell my students, you gotta keep yourself going too, right? and i really mean that.

honestly the guilt was the worst part for me. but then i realized that if i completely burned myself out, id be no good to joe anyway. so i started saying yes to help. My sister comes over twice a week now so i can just... breathe. go get my nails done, take a walk by myself, whatever. and joe actually does better when im not hovering and exhausted all the time.

the sleep thing is huge too. i started talking to my doctor about it because i was just lying awake all night spiraling. theres no shame in getting support, whether thats therapy or medication or just talking to people who get it like on here.

your dad is lucky to have you there. but you gotta take care of yourself too or youre gonna crash. have you thought about bringing in some professional help even just a few hours a week?

I'm going through something similar right now with my father-in-law. He was diagnosed a few months ago and while I'm not his primary caregiver like you are, I've done enough research on this to know that what you're describing is textbook caregiver burnout and it's serious. The guilt piece especially, I think that's the hardest part because you feel like acknowledging you're struggling somehow means you don't care enough, which obviously isn't true at all.

What I've learned from talking to people and reading about this is that you actually have to take care of yourself first, not because it's nice to do but because you gotta keep yourself going too or everything falls apart. That's not a cliche, it's just... biology. Your body is literally telling you something needs to change. The insomnia and weight loss, those matter.

Have you looked into respite care at all? Even just a few hours a week where someone else is there and you can actually step away without feeling like you're abandoning your dad. And maybe talking to a therapist who specializes in caregiver stress? I know that sounds like adding another thing to your plate but it might actually help you feel less alone in this.

You're not selfish for needing rest. You're human. And your dad probably wouldn't want you destroying yourself in the process of caring for him.

hang in there michelle, i'm at stage iv now and my husband has basically become my full time caregiver and even i can see how much its wearing on him... you're not being selfish at all, you just you have to take care of yourself first or you won't be any good to anyone else and that's the truth.

It's not selfish at all, honestly, you gotta keep yourself going too or everything falls apart and your dad needs you functional, not running on fumes. Have you looked into whether your parents' oncology team can connect you with a social worker or patient advocate? They usually know about caregiver support groups and respite care options that might actually give you some breathing room.

you know what really helped me shift my thinking. And this might sound corny coming from a former teacher but bear with me. I had to stop grading myself like i was a student. like, you don't get an A+ for running yourself into the ground, you know? the guilt is the worst part but joe actually told me once that seeing me fall apart was harder on him than asking for help would ever be.