Anticipatory grief - grieving before they are gone

Man, I get this. My docs gave me the Stage I diagnosis back in Dec and even tho I caught it early, I spent like two weeks just... stuck. Like the engine seized up, you know?

What helped me was stopping trying to be "present" all the time like it's some perfect thing. Some days I was sad, some days I cracked jokes, some days we just watched tv and didnt talk about any of it. And that was all okay. Your mom sounds like shes already doing the hard work of accepting it, maybe thats the gift right there, that shes not fighting it so hard.

I had my surgery in Feb and recovery went better than expected. But those months before? I learned you cant force yourself to feel different. The grief is real AND you can still laugh at dumb stuff AND miss her all at the same time. Its all there together, not one or the other.

Maybe instead of trying to stay present, just... be there. Sit with her. Let it be messy. She probably knows whats coming too and shes probably okay with you being sad sometimes. That might actually mean more than pretending everything is fine.

Hang in there.

I'm going through something really similar right now and honestly it's been the hardest part. My mom got her diagnosis in August and I moved back to Phoenix to help with her care, and some days I feel like I'm just drowning in the "what ifs" instead of actually being with her.

What's been helping me a little. And I'm not gonna lie, it's not much, is that I'm trying to give myself permission to feel both things at the same time. Like yesterday I was sitting with her and we were laughing about something one of my second graders did, and then like five minutes later I just felt this wave of sadness. And I didn't try to push it away. I just let it be there. She even asked what was wrong and I told her and we just sat with it together.

I think maybe the guilt about not being "present enough" is actually keeping us from being present more than the grief itself? Like we're so worried about wasting the time that we're not actually living through it. At least that's what I keep telling myself when I'm up at 2am spiraling.

Some days are better than others. Some days I can just be her daughter. Other days the teacher part of me wants to schedule and optimize everything and it's exhausting. But she's still here and that matters right now.

Jennifer, I went through this with my dad. He had the same timeline, 3-6 months.

What I wish someone had told me: it's okay to grieve now AND be present. They're not mutually exclusive. Some moments you'll be completely in the present, laughing at something with your mom. Other moments the future will crash into you and you'll need to step out of the room to cry. Both are fine.

One thing that helped me was starting a journal. I wrote down things my dad said, little moments, inside jokes. Now, years later, I'm so grateful I did that.

Also, talk to your mom about it. She might be wanting to have those conversations too but doesn't want to upset you. Some of our most meaningful conversations happened when we stopped pretending everything was okay.

Sorry if this was asked before but I get what you're saying. When I first got my diagnosis a couple months ago I couldn't stop thinking about like... all the time I wasted or didn't appreciate, you know? And now I'm scared about what comes next and it's hard to just be here right now.

But honestly I've been trying something and it helps a little. My daughter came to visit and we just sat on the porch and didn't talk about the cancer stuff at all. We just watched people go by and had some coffee. And for those couple hours I wasn't thinking about scans or treatments or what might happen. I was just... there with her.

I think what I'm learning is that you don't have to pretend everything is fine to be present. Like you can be sad AND spend time together. Those things can both be true. Your mom sounds like she already knows what's happening so maybe she doesn't need you to be all cheerful and perfect. Maybe she just needs you there, even if you're feeling scared too.

The anticipatory grief is real and I don't think it goes away, but the moments do matter. The small ones especially. And I bet your mom would rather have you actually there, messy feelings and all, than have you performing being happy.

Thank you for sharing this. It helps to know other people are struggling with the same stuff.

Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I'm sitting here at 2am reading this and it just breaks my heart because I know exactly what you're going through. We got the same timeframe with my husband about 8 months ago and that anticipatory grief is so real and so heavy.

The thing that helped me most was just accepting that feeling sad and being present aren't mutually exclusive. Like, I could cry in the bathroom for ten minutes and then go sit with him and hold his hand and we'd watch old episodes of his favorite show. Both things happened. The grief didn't erase the good moments, it was just... there too.

Some days are gonna be hard where you're just stuck in your head about what's coming. That's ok. You're not failing at this. But I found that when I stopped trying to "stay present" like it was some perfect thing I had to achieve, and just let myself be messy and sad and sometimes laughing at something stupid he said, it got easier. Your mom probably knows you're scared. She might even need you to be real about it instead of pretending everything's fine.

I'm not gonna lie and say the time flies or that it's this beautiful gift without the pain. Some of it is really hard. But I'm grateful for those months too, even the painful parts.

Be gentle with yourself. You're doing better than you think you are. ❤️

Oh honey, I'm so sorry you're carrying this. Joe was diagnosed in September and I went through exactly what you're describing. That awful pull between wanting to soak up every moment and just being paralyzed by what I knew was coming. It's like your brain won't let you be happy because it keeps reminding you of the timer.

What I've learned is that anticipatory grief is real and it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. After 35 years teaching, I learned that you can't force presence, you can only create space for it. So I stopped trying to "enjoy" things perfectly and just... showed up. Made Joe's favorite coffee. Sat with him while he watched his shows. Let him talk about his fears without trying to fix them. Those moments didn't feel profound in the moment but they were everything.

The guilt about not being "fully there". That got me too. But here's what I tell myself now: being there doesn't mean performing happiness. It means being honest. If you're sad, be sad with her sometimes. Let her see you love her enough to grieve. That's presence too.

And some days you will laugh together and it won't feel guilty. Those will come. They're mixed in there with the hard stuff and that's okay.

How is your mom doing with everything? Is she able to talk about it with you?

Oh god, I'm right there with you. My mom got her diagnosis in August and some days I feel like I'm already saying goodbye to her even though she's sitting right next to me on the couch. It's like my brain won't let me just... be with her.

What's been helping me a little bit is that I talked to her about it. Like actually said "I'm struggling with this anticipatory grief thing and I don't know how to be present" and she just held my hand and said it was ok to feel sad AND grateful at the same time. That it didn't have to be one or the other. I don't know, maybe that sounds simple but it kinda broke something open for me.

I've also been doing these tiny things instead of trying to have these big perfect moments. Like yesterday I sat with her while she did a puzzle and we didn't really talk much, we just existed together. And this morning before school I made her tea the way she likes it and we watched the sunrise for like ten minutes. Those moments feel more real to me than when I'm trying too hard to make everything meaningful, if that makes sense.

The guilt about not being "present enough" is so real though. I catch myself and I'm like why am I thinking about work or my students when I should be focused on her. But then I realized that me taking care of myself, including my job and my own stuff, actually helps me show up better for her. I you have to take care of yourself first or you won't be any good to anyone else and all that.

You're already doing better than you think you are just by being there and wanting to be there. That matters so much more than you realize.

Yeah, I'm really struggling with this too. My mom got her diagnosis in August and some days I feel like I'm already saying goodbye to her while she's sitting right there watching tv. It's so weird and guilt-inducing because she's doing better than expected right now and I should be grateful but instead I'm just... sad all the time.

What's helped me a tiny bit is that my therapist told me anticipatory grief is actually normal and not something I need to beat myself up about. Like, it's not selfish or ungrateful, it's just what happens when your brain knows what's coming. Doesn't make it suck less though.

I've been trying this thing where I give myself permission to feel whatever I'm feeling without judging it. Some days I'm present with her and we laugh about stupid stuff. Other days I'm a wreck and she just lets me be a wreck. We don't have to pretend everything is fine all the time, you know? And honestly that's been more real than if I was forcing myself to be cheerful.

The "not regretting" part, I think just showing up counts for a lot. You don't have to be perfect at this. You're already there and that matters. Some of my best moments with my mom lately have been the quiet ones where we're just together, not even doing anything special.

Hang in there. This is so hard and it's okay that it's hard.

Yeah, I know that feeling. When they told me I had maybe a year left, my daughter started acting different around me. Real quiet. I could see it eating at her even though she tried to hide it. Took me a couple weeks to figure out she was already saying goodbye in her head while I was still here.

What helped - and I'm not gonna sugarcoat this - is I told her straight up. Said look, I'm still here right now. I'm not gone. And if you spend these months being sad about the future then we both lose the present. That's time we don't get back and the clock's running on it.

Your mom sounds like she's got her head on straight about this. That's actually a gift, even if it doesn't feel like it. The thing is, grief and presence aren't mutually exclusive. You can feel both at the same time. I cry sometimes. But I also laugh with my daughter. We watch movies together. We talk about dumb stuff that has nothing to do with any of this.

The anticipatory grief is real and it sucks. But don't let it rob you of the months you've got. That's the one thing I'd tell myself if I could go back to when I first got the diagnosis. Don't waste the time you're given waiting for it to be over.

It won't fix the sadness. But it might make the memories better.